Well this weekend was bitter sweet. On the one hand, it was Easter, and I was able to celebrate it with some great friends at Adam's house. Mary, Sarah, Adam and I went hot tubbing and hit some golf balls and did some other fun stuff. Christ is risen, and He lives in us and loves us. Then on the other hand, I heard that one of my teammates and my friends, Chris Freeman, committed suicide. This came as a huge shock. I have dealt with a few circumstances of death, but nothing like this. He was one of my friends, and he meant a lot to me. This made me think about all the great times I had with him, and also about what I could have done to help him. If only he had known that. I know that I shouldn't feel like it was my fault, but I can't help thinking that I could have done something more.
For every tear I cry for his death though, I look up to Heaven and see my Savior smiling at me. It's amazing to know that He loves us no matter what. And today, while I have been writing this post, the song "Hold my heart" by Tenth Avenue North came on. Here are the lyrics:
How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO NOTICE ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU TURN TO ME
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN THE SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE AND HOLD
MY HEART
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU RUN TO ME
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO NOTICE ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU TURN TO ME
ONE TEAR IN THE DRIVING RAIN
ONE VOICE IN THE SEA OF PAIN
COULD THE MAKER OF THE STARS
HEAR THE SOUND OF MY BREAKING HEART
ONE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I AM
RIGHT NOW I CAN BARELY STAND
IF YOU'RE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE
WOULD YOU COME CLOSE AND HOLD
MY HEART
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
I'M ON MY KNEES
BEGGING YOU TO TURN TO ME
I'M ON MY KNEES
FATHER, WILL YOU RUN TO ME
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name
This song is right where I am. I broke down on Easter morning and just cried. It was really tough to know that I would never see Chris's smiling face again. But I do know that God is holding me. No matter how bad things get, I can always turn to Him! He is holding me right now, and that's all that's holding me. I can feel His loving hands around me, keeping me from falling down. It's amazing! I know that I can't waste this time. I know that I have to learn from this. I have learned that no matter what I do, I will do my best to get to know people and lead them to my Savior. Many people don't know Him personally, and I think that God can use me to bring them to Him. So that's what I'm gonna do. No matter what, I will live for the One who saved me and who holds me up now! He deserves my all and want to know Him even better than I do now.
Our Christ rose on the third day. He is alive inside of us today. Don't go with the flow; step out and make a difference in someone's life. Who knows, maybe one little word can lead them to Christ. So, don't forget Chris Freeman, but instead use his death to let God use you.
In Christ,
Brian
